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dysfunctionality

Saturday, May 9, 2009

NOTE: i don't need comments regarding this post. this is angst-filled rambling. don't read on unless we're close enough or you're indifferent enough.

you have been warned.

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have you ever felt extreme resentment and anger towards one particular person?
that intense desire to inflict pain just to let him know about all of the bottled-up hatred that you have?
ugh. yeah, yeah... hatred is such a strong word. I KNOW.
fine, then. let me use the word "resentment" for that matter.
*inhale* here goes nothing...
I RESENT MY FATHER.
*exhale*
finally. i said it. [or rather, i wrote it.]
i don't know when it happened. i wasn't actually keeping tabs on it but before i knew it, it has been piling up, higher and higher, ever since...
maybe, during my early childhood, we were close.[TAKE NOTE: were]
but that was waaaaaaaaaaaaay before.
now, if someone would tell me something about our closeness, i would have laughed my head off.
him and me? CLOSE?
oh. for your EFFIN' sake!
my mom told me that i should just understand what he's going through. that heart attack and all that.
yeah, yeah. but that's not enough of a reason for him to act like some sort of a moody, spoiled brat who knows nothing but to gripe about the world.
my mom told me that whatever he does, he's still my father.
yeah, yeah. since when?
he's just there for our financial needs. (not exactly. i'm fending for my own here. well, not exactly but something like that.)
c'mon, what does he want?!?
i've been an achiever ever since i was born. i've gained so many f*cking awards and so many f*cking certificates and so many f*cking medals AND HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN.
not even a hint of recognition or congratulation or anything like that.
my mom said that he's just not showy with his feelings.
i said, the hell with that.
if his childhood has been f*cked up, that doesn't give him any reason to share that experience to us.
he trusts no one.
really. not kidding.
it might be that no one trusted him before. but that doesn't mean that i'm like him. he may have screwed up his teen life and he might be one of my biological parents but that doesn't mean that i'm like him.
no effin' way. never. nuh-uh.
he thinks that everyone's just the same and he focuses on the negative sides of people.
c;mon. who in the world would like such person?
in front of people, he is such a good, responsible, hardworker.
what can i say? he's a good actor.
i love my mom. she trusts me with all her heart and i won't give her any reason to doubt me. she understands what i'm going through and she's always there to fight for me. i may be a little stubborn and, sometimes, she gets mad, but i still love her with all my heart.
however, i really resent her husband.
i wish that she had gotten a different husband.
someone once told me that if my mom had gotten a different husband then her child wouldn't have been me.
if only i could tamper with the past...
speaking of parents and tampering with the past, has anyone read Palahniuk's RANT??
no?
read it.
and if that were for real, i think i would do it. [paolo, if you are reading this, CHEERS. i told you before that i was thinking of this.]
not to my mom though. of course not to her.
i think i would even risk the idea of her forgetting all about me if i could just give her the life that she deserves. all luxury...
again, ONLY my mom. not her husband.
i know all about my pride. i am proud, yes. and i'm proud to say that i am proud.
but, i also know the extent of my pride.
when i know that i'm the one who's in the wrong, i know how to apologize.
i told you, i know the extent of my pride. pride, not arrogance.
but if i strongly believe that i am right, then i hold my ground.

"...the truly dangerous are those who are fighting solely because they believe that they are in the right, and that's what makes them really dangerous..."

possibly true.
i'm not sure though. haha.

i can choose my friends but not my relatives.
apparently so.
because if i CAN choose my relatives, certainly my mom's husband would have been different.
i can say that i hate him though "hate" is a strong word. maybe someday, i would resent him enough to be able to finally use a stronger word that would suffice.

ever heard the question: friends or family?
i say, my friends are my family.

ENDNOTE: again, i don't need comments regarding this post. if you were troubled by my thoughts, i won't apologize since it wasn't even my fault. you have been warned from the start.

8:42 PM
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saccharine spice

[+] full-time UP Diliman BS Chemical Engineering student
[+] 50% Filipina (by citizenship) 50% Chinese (by blood)
[+] true-blue argentine kiddo
[+] bookworm
[+] mangaddicted
[+] trilingual (filipino, english, spanish)
[+] aspiring writer
[+] appreciates learning and beauty
[+] dreamer
[+] traveller at heart
[+] linguist wanna-be (at least 5 languages!)
[+] looks at the world through multicolored glasses

esteemed authors

in order as dictated by my memory

+ neil gaiman
+ michael crichton
+ sidney sheldon
+ stephen king
+ jeffery deaver
+ caleb carr
+ kathy reisch
+ christopher pike
+ chuck palahniuk
+ clive staples lewis
+ john katzenbach
+ john ronald reuel tolkien
+ anne rice
+ peter beere
+ heather graham
+ richie tankersley cusick
+ ian fleming
+ chris wooding
+ patricia cornwell
+ mary higgins clark
+ stephen coonts
+ vladimir nabokov
+ agatha christie
+ robert lawrence stine
+ dean koontz
+ john grisham
+ jonathan kellerman
+ paulo coehlo
+ roald dahl
+ lewis carroll
+ sir james matthew barrie
+ frank baum
+ mark twain
+ michael connelly
+ arthur conan doyle
+ edgar allan poe
+ piers anthony
+ clive barker
+ tamora pierce
+ mary wollstonecraft shelley
+ bram stoker
+ dan brown
+ edith wharton
+ sue grafton
+ william blatty

anime/manga

as far as i can recall, these are the animes/mangas that i've read and/or watched. currently still incomplete. blame my memory.

[] one piece
[] battle royale
[] get backers
[] death note
[] bleach
[] ouran highschool host club
[] gatekeepers
[] blood +
[] black cat
[] fushigi yuugi
[] ayashi no ceres
[] full metal panic
[] full metal alchemist
[] fruits basket
[] flame of recca
[] spiral
[] shuffle!
[] slamdunk
[] tactics
[] fate stay night
[] ultra maniac
[] tsubasa chronicle
[] evangelion
[] elfen lied
[] escaflowne
[] ghost hunt
[] elemental gelade
[] detective conan
[] darker than black
[] DNangel
[] gakuen alice
[] gakuen heaven
[] chobits
[] gundam seed/wing/destiny
[] gunslinger girl
[] dot hack SIGN
[] dot hack legend of the twilight
[] harukanaru toki no naka de
[] hayate no gotoku
[] hunter x hunter
[] inuyasha
[] kyou kara maou
[] hana yori dango
[] hanazakari no kimitachi e
[] zombie-loan
[] vampire knight
[] loveless
[] yuyu hakusho
[] you're under arrest
[] yami no matsuei
[] wolf's rain
[] xxxholic
[] weiss kreuz
[] naruto
[] prince of tennis
[] rosario + vampire
[] saiyuki
[] pretear
[] shaman king
[] special A
[] B.O.D.Y.
[] koukou debut
[] kimi wa petto
[] boku ni natta watashi
[] codebreaker
[] lost+brain
[] doubt
[] eternal sabbath
[] luck stealer
[] number
[] liar game
[] kyou koi wo hajimemasu
[] deadman wonderland
[] mirai nikki [future diary]
[] saboten no himitsu
[] koizora
[] majin tantei nougami neuro
[] 07ghost
[] camelot garden
[] blank slate
[] beast master
[] pandora hearts
[] [switch]
[] kuroshitsuji
[] d.gray-man
[] wild ones
[] trinity blood

nexus

propphi anne fernando