numb
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
crappy.that is what it feels like right now.i believe in the principle of yin yang and our modified newton's 3rd law...i know that for every good thing that happens, there will be a bad thing too.i know that.but i wasnt expecting it soon...as of this moment, i have all the urge in the world to just sprawl on my bed with the lights turned off and cry my heart out...but i wont.not gonna do that. nuh-uh,,,im too strong to succumb to that.but it's stinging... the back of my eyes, i mean...not gonna cry. not gonna cry. not gonna cry.i only cry in the inside... where no one can see the tears falling continuously...damn...what a fucker this life is.i miss the old days when i was still a kid and nothing else mattered save for my beloved dolls, the cookies-and-milk snack, and the afternoon nap...i miss the days when the only time i cry is when my doll broke...those good old days when screwing up means forgetting to finish the daily glass of milk...now, screwing up means something entirely different.screwing up...damn. how i hate that...yeah, i've screwed up a hundred times before... but i just realized that as you grow older, 'screw up' changes its meaning...i feel numb right now.cant feel a thing.or should i say, dont want to feel a thing...?it's like when you face a stranger holding you at gunpoint. you are torn between running for your life and fighting off the stranger. so you just stay frozen...my head is frozen right now.i think it's one of my defense mechanisms...FEELING NUMB.i just freeze that part of me and i go on with what i should be doing...it's sort of effective. you temporarily forget.but then, like what i said, you just TEMPORARILY forget...maybe that's why when i screw up and i feel like crap, i want to do whatever i can do just to get myself busy...at least as long as im busy, that part of me worrying and feeling really terrible is frozen...then, here comes the worse part: the moment i stop to take a breath.the state of being temporarily busy, the activities that im doing... everything vanishes. and the temporarily-frozen part of me thaws...and i hurt.i can handle anger. i can handle fury. what i cant handle is the feeling of guilt... and the feeling of disappointing someone...THAT i cant handle.it hurts me... almost physically.cant explain but, why do i have to explain? cant justify anything...taking a deep breath... letting it all out in one long moan...that felt a bit better...now, im gonna have to keep myself busy with all the schoolwork and crap. the sensitive-sector of my brain is only half-frozen... have to keep it frozen... at least until i get to my bedroom where i can allow it to thaw safely...
7:15 PM
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saccharine spice
[+] full-time UP Diliman BS Chemical Engineering student
[+] 50% Filipina (by citizenship) 50% Chinese (by blood)
[+] true-blue argentine kiddo
[+] bookworm
[+] mangaddicted
[+] trilingual (filipino, english, spanish)
[+] aspiring writer
[+] appreciates learning and beauty
[+] dreamer
[+] traveller at heart
[+] linguist wanna-be (at least 5 languages!)
[+] looks at the world through multicolored glasses
esteemed authors
in order as dictated by my memory
+ neil gaiman
+ michael crichton
+ sidney sheldon
+ stephen king
+ jeffery deaver
+ caleb carr
+ kathy reisch
+ christopher pike
+ chuck palahniuk
+ clive staples lewis
+ john katzenbach
+ john ronald reuel tolkien
+ anne rice
+ peter beere
+ heather graham
+ richie tankersley cusick
+ ian fleming
+ chris wooding
+ patricia cornwell
+ mary higgins clark
+ stephen coonts
+ vladimir nabokov
+ agatha christie
+ robert lawrence stine
+ dean koontz
+ john grisham
+ jonathan kellerman
+ paulo coehlo
+ roald dahl
+ lewis carroll
+ sir james matthew barrie
+ frank baum
+ mark twain
+ michael connelly
+ arthur conan doyle
+ edgar allan poe
+ piers anthony
+ clive barker
+ tamora pierce
+ mary wollstonecraft shelley
+ bram stoker
+ dan brown
+ edith wharton
+ sue grafton
+ william blatty
anime/manga
as far as i can recall, these are the animes/mangas that i've read and/or watched.
currently still incomplete. blame my memory.
[] one piece
[] battle royale
[] get backers
[] death note
[] bleach
[] ouran highschool host club
[] gatekeepers
[] blood +
[] black cat
[] fushigi yuugi
[] ayashi no ceres
[] full metal panic
[] full metal alchemist
[] fruits basket
[] flame of recca
[] spiral
[] shuffle!
[] slamdunk
[] tactics
[] fate stay night
[] ultra maniac
[] tsubasa chronicle
[] evangelion
[] elfen lied
[] escaflowne
[] ghost hunt
[] elemental gelade
[] detective conan
[] darker than black
[] DNangel
[] gakuen alice
[] gakuen heaven
[] chobits
[] gundam seed/wing/destiny
[] gunslinger girl
[] dot hack SIGN
[] dot hack legend of the twilight
[] harukanaru toki no naka de
[] hayate no gotoku
[] hunter x hunter
[] inuyasha
[] kyou kara maou
[] hana yori dango
[] hanazakari no kimitachi e
[] zombie-loan
[] vampire knight
[] loveless
[] yuyu hakusho
[] you're under arrest
[] yami no matsuei
[] wolf's rain
[] xxxholic
[] weiss kreuz
[] naruto
[] prince of tennis
[] rosario + vampire
[] saiyuki
[] pretear
[] shaman king
[] special A
[] B.O.D.Y.
[] koukou debut
[] kimi wa petto
[] boku ni natta watashi
[] codebreaker
[] lost+brain
[] doubt
[] eternal sabbath
[] luck stealer
[] number
[] liar game
[] kyou koi wo hajimemasu
[] deadman wonderland
[] mirai nikki [future diary]
[] saboten no himitsu
[] koizora
[] majin tantei nougami neuro
[] 07ghost
[] camelot garden
[] blank slate
[] beast master
[] pandora hearts
[] [switch]
[] kuroshitsuji
[] d.gray-man
[] wild ones
[] trinity blood
nexus
propphi anne fernando
amiel melosantos
angelique piano
aura soriano
cheska magcaleng
chippy fernando
cmshs journalism0809
enzo bautista
fundacion leon
irish lozano
james silao
johndel gumapi
marc fajardo
mico subosa
mico subosa's lit site
paolo rodriguez
rosie ramirez
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